EARWAX

(I frigging swear this is a true story, and it’s the story of my ear. It’s a true story, with a few exaggerations here and there.)

The day my left ear bled, that's the day I decided to seek medical attention.
The pain, it started because I didn't know how to swim. I still don't. I don't know how to swim, how to ride the bike. It started when I tried swimming, this pain. My dad held me horizontal against the water, said that's what his dad used to do to him, and he let go. I drowned.
Where was I? It would have helped if I was in the sea, because salt makes people float, like in the Dead Sea. Where I was, I was in a kiddie pool. That's how much I suck at swimming. I drowned in a kiddie pool.
As it happened, I've got a real large earwax in my left ear. That's the same earwax I had when I was a baby, and when it falls out these days, it's black. That's how old it is. I had that large earwax, though it's smaller now, and what happened, the water expanded it, and my left ear began hurting.
We went to an otorhinolaryngologist, an ear-nose-throat doctor, and it was real against me, because I thought I was fine.
In the clinic, there was this thing the doctor called a suction machine. It looked like a photocopy machine, but the top, instead of glass and a cover, it's got nozzles and sprays and a hose. Two meters. One's for suction, and it's measured by centimeters of Mercury, cmHg. The other, it's for spray, measured in pounds per square inch, psi. The doctor doesn't use that on me.
Instead, he took an ear pick, a really long one that can probably poke the eardrums, and before anything else, he sprayed my ear with water from a syringe, and it felt like a drill, only, it didn't drill anything.
The doctor used the pick on me, and it felt like he was scraping the skin off my ear canal, and it hurt so much, I told my mom, I ain't going back there. And the next day, my ear was bleeding, and it bled so much I could have made an ear blood drop museum. And I told my mom, I'm going back there.
The next week, the doctor was using the suction machine on me.
The next week, I had a pimple in my ear.
The next week, the pimple became a tumor.
The next week, it was a different doctor. I said, Doc?
Yeah?
Doc, how's the tumor?
And he looks at me, and he says, What tumor?
The next week, he said I should drop baby oil in my ear.
The next next next week, my earwax fell off. It was black, and it smelled like baby oil, because for weeks, I kept dropping oil in my ear. Doctor's advice. To soften it, he said. The earwax, not the ear. The doctor had another look at it, and there's still more earwax.
I'm going back to the doctor next week, and who knows, he might verify my theory that there's an earwax mine in my ear.
The moment it's verified, I'm posing in lettuce to demand that earwax should be turned into our national currency.