the marriage of eddie sparkles and belladonna swan

Eddie marries me, and he makes a big deal out of the marriage, calling it the marriage of vampires or something as mundane as that. Only, I’m not a vampire. Not yet. And we get married in this Catholic Church, holy water and crucifixes and all, and Eddie doesn’t die, and you can tell he isn’t a real vampire. Still, all those teenagers, all those fans he’s got, they all believe Eddie’s a gaddamned vampire, because he sparkles under sunlight. They believe vampires sparkle under the sun. Eddie says that’s because vampires have skins made of diamonds. To be sure, though, that’s just a layer of sweat on his pale, pale skin. And, like, don’t vampires die under the sun?
Shades are enough, Eddie says. He won’t die under the sun if he has shades. Everyone believes him. His fans would believe him if he told them he’s part werewolf, and he transforms every time Pluto crosses over Neptune’s orbit. His fans would believe him, and if you’d ask them why, they’d tell you, Because Eddie Sparkles is a superstar!
That’s his name. Eddie Sparkles. He calls himself that. It’s stupid, sure, but that’s how he gets known, and besides, that’s still a better name than, like, Cullen, or something like that.
I enter the church, only I have a hard time entering because of all these press reporters taking pictures. Not mine. They aren’t allowed to enter the church, the press, so they’re taking pictures of Eddie from the door, and I have to squeeze in to enter. I squeeze in, and everyone looks at me. The cameras stop flashing, mouths hang open, and silence cripples the air with deadly precision. Suddenly I feel everyone looking at me. The ones in front of me turn their torsos to get good looks at me. It’s a hassle, being married to a celebrity.
How Eddie becomes famous, he writes this book about himself. Telling he’s a vampire and all, that sort of thing. It’s his ticket to Hollywood, that book, so now, he sings, and he acts, and he dances, and it’s real ridiculous, because he can’t act to save his life. But that stare… His voice is so edited, he can’t do concerts. But that deep voice… And those dance moves? Body doubles. But those delicious muscles… He’s way gorgeous, so no one notices that he isn’t talented. It doesn’t matter, anyway. That’s why the moment he gets down on his knees with this ring, and he asks me if I will marry him, I don’t think anymore when I answer yes. A lot of people say I don’t think anyway, but that ain’t the point. I enter the church, and there he is, Eddie, waiting for me, standing by the altar. He’s wearing a black suit that makes him look like a mortician, and it contrasts so well with his blond hair fluttering in the wind, whipping him in the face. The hair is whipping him, I mean, not the suit. Such beauty. His black eyes are rolling down my body, making my heart burn with desire. Or maybe this is just indigestion. Anyway, those black eyes, that soft, feathery blond crown, that mouth painted crimson to make him look like he’s just drank blood… Perfect, he’s just perfect. Like a Greek god. Like Apollo.
I approach him, wearing this real thick gown. I can only make out Eddie’s silhouette, but I know it’s him by the altar, because I can feel his radiance. The gown is a white number decorated with lovely laces. It’s a real lovely dress. Eddie says he made it himself. it’s his dream, he says. To be a designer. I take a step forward. My heart beats faster than usual, and my breathing becomes harder. Another step forward. I can feel everyone still looking at me. Behind, there’s the sound of cameras clicking again. Another step forward. I am holding a bouquet in my hands. Red and white roses entwined with small buds of flowers I don’t know. Another step forward. The carpet I am walking on is fuzzy, and as I drag my feet on the carpet it makes my hairs stand on ends. Another step forward. I take a swallow. The spit lingers in my throat, and I have to grunt to force air out, and the spit isn’t there anymore. After a few more steps, I finally reach the altar. I raise the veil and look around. The church is decorated with balloons and drapes and everything, but there are gothic overtones everywhere. The balloons are black. The drapes are decorated with shreds, like moss on a brick wall. In the cage by the ceiling, instead of pigeons, there are bats. Eddie is taking this vampire thing too seriously. At least he’s hot.
I look behind me, and I whisper to Eddie, “Cuckoo?”
Eddie says, “No, I don’t know those people, hon. Maybe they’re fans.”
That much I can tell, the way they’re all looking at me as if I’m a murderer or a rapist or something. They’re all just sitting there, looking at me real silent, their mouths closed tight, eyebrows almost meeting in the centers of their foreheads. More than half his fans are teenage girls. There are some teenage guys too. Some girls are crying, their faces covered by their hands, the tops of their arms moving up and down.
The priest looks at us. He is a fat man wearing glasses, and his head shines under the reflection of the church’s ceiling lights. A few hairs rest on his sparkling scalp. Maybe he’s a vampire too. I don’t know. The priest makes a fist with his right hand and puts it against his mouth. He coughs. Then, he looks at the bible, and he looks at us, and what he says next are not from the bible. “We are here to witness the holy matrimony of two loving souls, Mister Edward Sparkles and Miss Belladonna Birdbrain. If any of you has an objection, please tell it now, for once these two are united by God, they can never be separated by man.” He looks around, and I look around too, turning my neck to look behind me. All the girls look ready to rise and object to the marriage, but before one of them even gets the chance to open her mouth, the priest follows up, “Since no one is objecting to the marriage, let us proceed.”
He looks at Eddie. I think he sighs, the priest, when he looks at my boyfriend. He sighs with a slight smile forming on his thin lips. He says, “Do you, Edward Sparkles, accept Belladonna Birdbrain as your wife?”
Eddie nods, and he smiles. I look at him. He doesn’t have fangs. For all I know, vampires are supposed to have fangs, but Eddie says he files them, since he doesn’t need them anymore, now that he doesn’t drink human blood. He says he only drinks animal blood, says it tastes like tofu. I can’t imagine myself always eating tofu. That would give me a real horrible flatulence.
The priest leans closer to Eddie, and his nostrils flare up. He closes his eyes, taking in Eddie’s intoxicating scent of flowers and beauty. Then he whispers, “You have to say ‘I do.’”
“Oh,” Eddie says. “Of course. Pardon me.”
The priest stands straight again, looks at Eddie and repeats, “I repeat. Do you, Edward Sparkles, accept Belladonna Birdbrain as your wife?”
Eddie nods, and he says, “I do.”
The priest then looks at me. I swear I could see his eyebrows twitching as he says, “Do you, Belladonna Birdbrain, accept Edward Sparkles as your husband?”
I feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach. My heart beats even faster, and I could feel my bosom rising without rhythm. Rising, then falling. Behind me, I could feel a million eyes burning holes in my gaddamned back. I take a deep breath, then I say, “I do.”
Someone I don’t know hands Eddie a ring. Then someone also don’t know hands me a ring. To tell the truth, this whole wedding, Eddie has it planned all by himself. I don’t get involved until now. Eddie slips his ring in my finger, and I slip my ring in his delicate candle-like fingers with manicured nails. Clear nail polish painted so perfect and smooth against that layer of keratin on the top of his finger. I look at the ring in my hand, and it sparkles like Eddie’s sweat. From this far, I can smell him. Even though he smells fragrant, there’s a hint of sweat in it that only makes it even sweeter. I look at Eddie. His skin has no trace of a wrinkle. All smooth and pale and…perfect. Shining blond hair made of perfect straight strands sticks to his forehead because of the sweat, giving him that rugged handsome look.
Eddie looks like he’s about to kiss me, and he opens his mouth, closes his eyes. I do the same as our faces approach each other. Then he whispers to me, “Are you sure you’re a virgin?” I giggle, because in our house, we can’t even say the word… Hee! Hee! The word sex. He smiles, and how I can tell with my eyes closed, I am not sure. Next thing I know, his nose is kissing my neck, and I giggle. It tickles, him breathing against my neck. I could hear all the girls in the audience bawl. Eddie kisses me on the neck, then…
Next thing I feel is pain. He lets go a few throbbing heartbeats after my crippling scream, and I feel my neck with my right hand. I could trace his teeth marks on my skin, and when I look at my fingers, there’s the sight of glistening crimson. I look at Eddie, and he’s smiling. His teeth are all bloody. “Welcome to the family,” he says. After that, I don’t quite remember what happens. I think everything goes dark at this point, then, I wake up in the bedroom shivering from cold, and I learn that I am naked save for my pink underwear. I cover myself up, but then I realize, I am already married.
I tell Eddie, just for the record, I don’t feel quite like a member of his family. Also, just for the record, I’ve never seen his family.
Eddie sits beside me on the bed. He kisses my wound, and he licks it as he unbuttons his mortician suit. Eddie says it takes time, but really, I can’t tell the difference since that time he bites me in the neck. I don’t think I’ve turned into a vampire. I mean, I still feel like a human. The only thing that’s changed with me is I got scars.
I don’t really feel like I am afflicted with vampirism, but I’m worrying about rabies. I hope I’m dead before Pluto crosses over with Neptune.
If not, I might turn into a gaddamned werewolf.